Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Tree Hugger

The raccoon - cute, fuzzy and filled with death rage

My new neighbour Martina is scared of these things. When you think about it it makes sense. Razor sharp teeth, claws, and although usually fat looking they're as nimble as a cat. Oh and they're smart. Real smart.

I'm not saying that if you look at one in a tree, another one will jump you from the side or behind smart. I'm talking if there was a peanut on your head they would probably figure a way to get it smart.

I've seen raccoons jump six feet straight up onto a fence. It's like they were on an invisible bungee cord. Vaawhoop. Boing. Standing on the fence, not trying to pull themselves up onto the fence like a fat guy going over an obstacle course in the army. All four feet on the fence.

With this in mind, if they wanted to, they could jump right up onto your face to do the alien face hugger. While I'm sure they don't plant raccoon seeds that develop into baby raccoons that burst out of your chest, they could mess you up just by biting and scratching your face off. If you were seven feet tall you could by chance get the fat furry wheezy raccoon that would try to get up to your face but in the end couldn't resulting in you getting a whiff of it's bad breath as it exhales falling off your face like the fat boy army grunt. You face is safe. Your crotch is another story.

Yes, biting and attacking you until you look like some scarred mutant of yourself and that's before introducing the rabies factor. Holy crap RABIES! What could be worse? Well maybe one thing (in Toronto anyway) a rabid SKUNK. They can do the same thing as the raccoons but simultaneously fart in your direction.

Aaaah!! Tiny, furry, rabid animals!! Run away!!!

What the heck would our friends in Australia say to that? Tosser? They live in a place where almost all animals are poisonous if not deadly by some other means. The trap door spider, crocodiles, the crusty butted koala and the deadly underwater platypus.

When this realization hits and you figure out you're in Toronto, that's when you get out of your snivelling bent over position of a coward and stand up like a man (or woman as the case maybe) and say "They are more scared of me than I am of them."

After that thank God you're not a garbage can and make sure you don't have a peanut on your head.